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A Heavenly Mistake

It has been another rotten day. School was a nightmare as usual. I am perhaps the only boy anywhere in school that is always mistaken for a girl at first glance. It has caused me no end of torment and has caused me to be beaten repeatedly by the school’s psychopathic Bullies.

I have returned home with another black eye and a really bloody nose. Mom and dad are furious. Dad is mad at me for not fighting back and he hits me too. Mom doesn’t like that, but defers to him because this is a man thing. He even calls me a sissy and other names all the other boys have called me. I am almost wishing I were dead. Mom has called the school and the police.

There is more shame and humiliation as we again go to the principal’s office and mom files yet another complaint with the principal. This time, one of the boys are arrested for assault and battery. This only causes more shame and humiliation to be heaped on me by the rest of the students. I get called even more names. The torment gets even worse. He is now going to be waiting for me after he gets out of jail. I am not looking forward to that day.

I have started skipping PE. I have no interest in the type of thing those idiots try to do to me. I have no interest in foot ball or boxing or any of the other Manly things they are insisting I do. I am not interested in getting beaten in the shower again either.

I cannot help how I look. I have no interest in any of the sports the other boys do. I am interested in Homec class. It is perhaps the highlight of my day. I am the only boy in it and the girls all accept me and are really great. I do really well. I am also very good in creative writing and art class. My Art teacher is really impressed with my drawings.

I am finally alone in my room. I have had my shower. All my home work is done. I sit.

I have taken one of my mom’s baby doll night gowns and hidden it under a drawer in my room. I take it out and put it on. It is slightly large, but it still fits well enough. I look at myself in the mirror. Even with my hair cut the way it is, if someone were to walk in on me, they would think I was a girl at first glance. Maybe even second and third.

I think to myself that there has been some cosmic mistake. I feel tears welling up. I am truly miserable with my life. I contemplate suicide. I cannot take much more abuse.

I start to cry. I lay across the bed and sob in my pillow. I wish I had never been born.

I don’t know when I fell asleep, but it did release me from another day of misery and torment.


The Dream

I hear a soft voice say, “Awaken.”
My eyes pop open. I am afraid. I never took off mom’s nightgown. I sit up quickly. I am not sure where I am. I look around and am sure this is one of those dreams I have read about in stories and am no longer concerned.

I am just dreaming. I am positive.

I see nothing but a door. I walk to the door and open it. I see a … man? It’s hard to tell. It could be a woman just as easily. There is light, but the individual is some how sitting in a shadow and I cannot see them very well. There are two chairs facing each other. The individual seems to have a clipboard of some type across their knees.

I hear a soft voice telling me to come in and sit. It is definitely male. I enter the room and sit in the chair. I look around me and the only things I see are the two of us, the chairs we are sitting in, and the door I came in. There doesn’t seem to be anything else existing anywhere. I cannot say where the light is coming from. Is a strange dream.

The person introduces himself, “Hello Tommy, you can call me Gabe.”

I reply, “Hello.” I am thinking to myself that this is a really strange dream. This is one of those dreams that seems real.

I ask, “what is this place?”

Gabe replies, “This is the door to the Gup. I am the keeper of souls.”

I say in total confusion, “Where and Who?”

Gabe smiles softly and replies, “The Gup is where all new souls reside. I am the keeper of souls. Apparently there has been a mistake. I cannot believe it, but here you sit as proof.”

I say more to myself than to him, “Figures. Even in my dreams I’m a mistake.”

He says , “Tommy, I know the problems you have. I am sorry that it has gone so badly for you. I also know that killing yourself isn’t the answer.”

I feel a chill run through me. I am not sure of myself at this point. There is something eerie going on and I am getting confused thoughts deep in my mind.

Gabe looks at the clip board and says, “The parents were right, just the wrong instance. I am not sure how that happened.”

I ask, “What are you talking about?”

Gabe answers, “I cannot tell you exactly what you are wanting to know. It is not allowed at this point in your existence. What I can tell you is we are in agreement with you that there has been a Cosmic Mistake. I brought you here to correct that mistake.”

I am now not interested in this dream anymore. I stand and say nothing else. I try to wake up … I can’t. All that has transpired so far has only made me more depressed. I can’t handle this while I’m dreaming. I look for the door to leave. I need some kind of relief and this so far hasn’t done it.

I walk through the door … I have entered the same place I just left. I turn and see … NO!
I see the same thing in both places. There is no way out except to wake up … I can’t.

Gabe says softly, “Come Tommy, sit. I promise I am going to make a correction.”

I am feeling fear. I hope I haven’t lost my mind. I can feel the texture of the door. I feel the floor under my feet. It feels like thick shag carpet. Just I see only a flat surface.
I am so depressed. I start to bang my head on the door frame. It really hurts. I almost don’t care. I stop. Gabe asks me to sit again … in frustration, I flop back in the chair.
I feel my forehead. There is a growing knot where I had banged my head and it hurts. I am surprised. I’ve never had a dream like this before.

Gabe says softly, “You might as well cooperate with … this dream, Tommy. I will not end it until I have made the correction. Do we understand each other?”

In total frustrated helplessness I agree.

Gabe asks, “What do you feel would be the perfect girl? We don’t need to ask, it’s just so that we have it documented in your own voice.”

I laugh … I can’t help it. I know now this isn’t a dream. I have finally lost my mind and am in some psychotic delusion. I give up and describe to him what I feel the perfect girl is to me. Hair, eyes, figure, everything I could think of. I am crying in total misery by the time I am finished. I will commit suicide as soon as I am able.

Gabe’s voice is very soft and soothing. I see him writing everything I say. The words seem to glow strangely as they are put on the clipboard. He asks many questions. I find I feel better with each answer I give that is heart felt and honest. Gabe even knows when I am being stupid and just giving him a weird answer. Those he doesn’t write down. I don’t feel very good when I make those answers, so I finally quit being stupid and answer the questions honestly and from my heart. He is only interested in my fantasy girl. Nothing else. He knows the true answers from the false answers. He even helps and seems to know when I am unsure. I am guided only superficially. The answers are what I truly feel in my heart.

This goes on for an extremely long time. He has asked me a whole lot of questions about what my fantasy female hopes and wishes and dreams are. I don’t feel so bad by the time I have answered his questions and added my heart felt opinions. He was encouraging and very gentle the whole time he questioned me.

Gabe says very softly, “We will allow you to remember. So you will know you are a very special person and are loved very much.”

I knew when the interview had finished even before Gabe said so. I stood to leave.

Gabe said, “Before you go, I have something I need to tell you. It is a secret between you and me.”

I hear, but don’t hear him whisper something in my ear. He goes, “Shhh!” and puts his index finger above my upper lip and below my nose …

A light … I realize I can ponder this light … I realize I have more than that ability … I am warm … I have … fingers … I explore my fingers … a thumb … I begin to suck my thumb … I move my feet gently … I am surrounded by … the world I know. I hear sounds … I feel a sound as it moves from one end of me to the other. I start kicking against the softness of my world. There are hard places in my world too. My world changes … it points in different directions some times. I hear sounds … I feel the softness in them … I know this sound … it is the voice of my mommy as she talks to me. I don’t understand the words … I know what they mean … she loves me very much.

A small bright light suddenly flairs. It is so bright it hurts my eyes. I kick. I kick hard. The light goes quickly away. I relax in my soft caressing world. I am getting bigger and my world is getting tight. I don’t understand time … I just know here. I hear a sound over and over in mommy’s voice … Baby … I am baby above all else in the world I know. I feel something pressing from out side my world. I gently push my foot against the pressure … I hear a sound … it’s a very happy sound … This happens again many times. It makes me very happy.

Suddenly … my world grabs me very firmly … I hear mommy making distressing sounds … I feel my world squeezing me very tightly … I am being forced out of my world through a very tight place … I am having problems with not getting enough air … I am being squeezed so tightly … I am being ejected from the only world I know … I see a bright light … I am being forced out into this light … I feel my world as it slips off my body and something else has me. I feel cold … haven’t felt this way before … I am held upside down by my heels … a sharp smack on my bottom … I cry … I hear many coos and I am wrapped gently in a warm blanket.

I hear cheers … I even know what cheers are … I am given to … Mommy!!! She coos to me. She kisses me softly. I see her smiling face. I am loved.

Mommy says, “I will call her Lisa Marie.”

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